Blame game... it's one of those games you don't have to teach kids the rules. They're all naturals at it. It's one of the games they perfect without the need for coaching. But not one which we should encourage them to play well. Try get a kid up early (early by their definition is 9 a.m.) and they will blame the parents for not letting them sleep enough because they went to sleep at 2 a.m. You try telling them to sleep earlier and they'll blame you for not understanding that all their friends stay up that late. There's always something to blame...
You bug them to do their revision and they blame you for putting stress on them. I could go on and on but the blame game continues.... actually everyone of us play this game too.
Blame game usually begins with a volley of phrases like "You said..., You told me..., You don't understand..." Once you serve them, the blames go into play.... and it's a ball which carries many unpleasant things.
We play the blame game too, legacy of our growing up, of being human. And we still play it because of many reasons.... but all the reasons point to one same thing. We refuse to assume responsibility for our own actions... much easier to be the persecuted one, the lost one...
Blame game destroys relationships; they also destroy us. They shatter trust and break hearts. When you blame, your mind set is one that you've been wronged, cheated, led on, treated unfairly (which is the most common with the marginal man) etc, etc... It's difficult to change that sort of mindset once the ball is rolling.
We are often participants of this game... doing the serving and also the receiving. Not too long ago, I was on the receiving end... and yup, it kinda broke my heart. But with it too came the realization that it was time for me to move on.... for without any softening of the stance, the blame has too much potential to grow. But it taught me that I should try never to serve blames unless I want to destroy a relationship....
Many years ago, someone convinced us to use the services of a particular interior decorator... we lost quite a bit sum because that fler ran off with our money. It was a lot to us back then as we were just starting out. As much as I would like to blame this someone cos it shifts my own foolishness in trusting the guy (we were idiotic enough to believe his pleas that he needed some cash to get his thing going) and also losing our money on this someone, I refrained from ever verbalizing it to her in person. It wasn't easy and I'm no saint. Cos somehow, I know if the situation were reversed, we'd probably get an earful and be made to feel bad probably for a long, long time..... there have been times when I very much wanted to out of geramness...
How to get out from this blame cycle? Was listening to a speaker at church yesterday night... we are always reminded of the need to confess our sins to God, to assume responsibilities for our actions.... it's the same for this blame game; there's a need for us to resolve the matter, say sorry sometimes to end the game.
My boy got me on this blame game roll of thoughts recently... Boy! I didn't know that there are so many things that we, as parents can get blamed for... the marginal minds can be very creative and evasive. But then again, marginal or no, I guess there isn't much difference between us, the supposedly adults and them too..... my two sen today. Only difference is, I still have not given up on him yet.... blood still thicker... LOL! ... but getting more diluted too...
5 comments:
cavebaby and i talk about this on and off. She watched something on tee vee about a rich girl whose father could only control her by using the "D" word (disinherit...). We talked about unconditional love - i.e. we will always love her and she knows she will always love us, even if on some days we don't like each other very much.
I think it helps for her to understand where she stands with me, that there are some things that she just can't get away with, and the reasons why - mostly to ensure that she stays safe, healthy and happy.
my 2p for today :)
i threaten my kids on a daily basis (multiple times) to throw them out of the window; or break their leg; or dump them into a dustbin; or lock them up in the store-room... it works wonders!!! try that...
and they still love me... kakaka...
Ah people... your kids have not gone into the marginal world yet or just at the throes.... Kah! Kah! Kah! I also threaten to throw them out, leave them out in the cold.... works better on my small one. The big one did try walking out once...
rebuke us with love, cut us some slack, and give us time to improve..threatening us will sometimes spur us to be more rebellious, and it may affect how we treat others next time..
Prorogue... I think that's what most parents try to do.. rebuke with love. But every action has its own consequences too; the young must understand this too. I was just reading about the Israelites' 40 years in the wilderness. God showed them lots of slack to them actually too... but in the end the consequence of their 'rebelliousness' and disobedience was that except for a very small number, the rest did not get to set foot into the Promise Land....
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